My Experience with... Hypersexuality in Bipolar
- Jen
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
I'd like to start this post by saying that it is highly important to never romanticise mental illness. This post is intended to start discussion around a real symptom in Bipolar Disorder. I will be sharing from my own experiences and the experiences of others. No one's Bipoler is the same, and everyone will experience symptoms differently. This post is for those who want to learn more about Bipolar, have Bipolar themselves, or know someone with Bipolar and want more understanding.
I am not a doctor. I have 14years experience in my own mental health journey.
THIS POST CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SEX AND SEXUAL ABUSE
Hypersexuality is an excess of sexual urges, actions, and/or arousal. Hypersexuality can cause harm to relationships, finances, physical health, emotional disregulation, shame, and loss of time/control.
Bipolar Disorder and hypersexuality commonly go hand in hand. Especially, but not limited to, manic and hypomanic episodes. Characterised by increased sex drive, risky behaviours, impulse control issues, hightened energy, and poor judgement. Bipolar is a complex mood disorder that is often managed by medication and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).
It is important for those with Bipolar to be able to have clear and open conversations about sex and relationships. Being able to communicate effectively about these experiences can help to create more safety. Risk plays a huge part in Bipolar episodes and needs to be monitored carefully. If you think yourself or someone else is at risk of harm, talk to a professional or call a hospital.
I have Bipolar II Disorder with rapid cycling. My experience with hypersexuality has been quite challenging and had large impacts on my life. I experience hypersexuality during all stages of my mood. The thoughts and feelings behind it are very different when I'm hypomanic, then when I'm depressed.
During hypomania, I have experienced the rush of taking risks and meeting new people. At the time I think it's fun and exciting. But most people struggle to keep up. Or it's too much. Or I'm too much. Some people think it's funny and try to take advantage of me. And others will fetishise the illness and use it to brag about the experience.
The aftermath of these risky behaviours is the worst part. The regret, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and loss of boundaries are too much. I would often catch myself thinking that I was wrong, dirty or disgusting. Not only being called a slut by others, but by myself too. And that's what really hurts. My whole view on myself being destroyed every single time I slip up. The thoughts that fuel the hypersexuality change. "If I'm already a slut, why stop now?", "everyone knows how disgusting you are, it's too late to stop". And suddenly I'm back doing it again.
The depression that follows is very self destructive. You become aware of your actions, the consequences, and the aftermath. You see it all in front of you and hate yourself for it all. After all you wanted it, right? It's your fault. You might think that this realisation would be enough to stop it for a while. Or at least slow it down. But you couldn't be more wrong. Now you use it as an escape. A place where you know you will feel good. A break from your mind. And your mind isn't a safe place right now. So it's good that you get this break. And it feels good. Until people say you are using them.
You are using them. When this whole time you have been focused on yourself and what you want, and what you need. Now you are using them. All you wanted was to feel better. And you can't even do that without destroying relationships. You ruin everything. So you just keep going because what the hell are you suppose to do now.
And the cycle loops back around eventually. You feel unstoppable, powerful, in control, and excited. When that couldn't be further from the truth.
At least that is what I experience. Everyone is different.
Hypersexuality is the issue behind most of my relationships breaking down. This self-worth issue that follows me around. But I'm the reason it's there in the first place. It's like fighting with yourself constantly. You don't want to do this anymore because it makes you feel disgusting, but you haven't found anything else that even comes close to how good it makes you feel.
People will fetishise and romanticise hypersexuality until it's "too much" for them. What if it's too much for me? Did anyone ask what it's like for me? Of course not. Clearly I want it, right?
Which brings me to the next thing that happens. Assault.
I had just come off the back of a major hypomanic episode. I was following my safety plan again, and being careful who I spoke to. Feeling awful about myself and just wanted someone to talk to. I trusted myself, and the person I talked to. We knew eachother. And he assaulted me. I wanted someone to talk to. I just wanted a break from being alone. And I got assaulted.
I called him out on it. A few days later. He said he knew I wanted it.
I had crashed, I thought I was safe, I thought he was safe. And I blamed myself. The image and reputation I had gathered for myself had been the thing that got me to this point. Where a man thought he was entitled to my body because he "knew I wanted it". What i wanted was a conversation. But that didn't matter anymore. That's not who I was to anyone anymore.
This glorification of hypersexuality is dangerous. People get hurt. I got hurt. This isn't some fun game. I am a person. I was assaulted.
I wanted to write this so that I could show with my own experiences what this disorder can do. It has impacted my life so much. I still blame myself a lot. But I'm getting better.
I'm safe now, and I know that I didn't do anything wrong that night.
I just want people to know how dangerous this can get. This is real. Look after eachother, and talk about what you are feeling. Communication is so important. You are worth every single conversation.
Remember that everyone's experience will be different. Never assume things, and ask questions. Show the people in your lives that may be struggling that you care. Show up for them.
Thank you for reading, I know this got heavy but that's life.
I hope this raised your understanding on this very misunderstood symptom.
Stay safe,
Jen xx
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