Hi, it's been a few years. A lot has changed. Somethings never will.
I never thought I'd be back here. The pressure of an audience got to me. I wasn't finding the blog helpful for my recovery anymore. And yet, here I am.
Little rundown of the current diagnosis list:
DID
CPTSD
Depression
Anxiety with Panic attacks
Multiple Phobias
Insomnia
Disordered Eating
Self Harm Addiction
OCD
Social Anxiety
Somatic Symptom Disorder
So that's quite the list. Its grown a bit since last time. I'm trying to be okay with that. At least I'm getting help, right? That counts?
At the current moment I'm struggling most with OCD, Depression and Self Harm. The others are taking a back-seat to the chaos that is my life.
My OCD makes me want to smash my head against a wall to shut the voices up. I just want a quiet brain. The depression is the same as always. An old friend. Pops up daily to remind me I'm not well. Like I'd ever be able to forget. And well, my SH addiction is back in full swing. I thought I stopped that crap years ago. But nope. One relapse after another, and I'm right back where I started.
It's hard.
I'm trying.
I'll be okay.
That's what I keep saying to myself. Maybe one day I'll believe that last part.
I'm back here because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. So, why not tell the whole internet. Makes sense. This post is basically a throw-away to get me back into writing. A practice run. A trial. I just hope it helps.
I'm aiming to make posts whenever I feel like it. Instead of putting unnecessary pressure on myself. And I'd like to get back into mental health education once I'm a bit more stable. But for now you'll just have to put up with a sad jen.
Okay, I'll go now. Thanks for reading I guess and I'll be back soon with an actual post. Hope this wasn't too dark haha. I'll get better.
-Jen xx
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