Tw: depression, suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm, hospitals, claustrophobia.
Sometimes, you think that you are getting better. You are finally happy, safe and secure. Then, for seemingly no reason, you find yourself at rock bottom once again. Relapse is hard, cruel, unwanted, scary, but also part of recovery. In fact, you cant even have a relapse unless you have begun improving. Its a sign that you are healing.
Depression is more than sadness. More than suicidal. More than bad moods. More than skipping meals, or avoiding friends, or staying in bed. Depression is a killer. A thief. A fraud. An illness.
What happens when you relapse?
A relapse is when your symptoms return or worsen and you ability to function is effected. This can mean different things for different people.
My personal experience:
Since removing myself from a toxic environment with unhealthy relationships, my mental health began to take a turn. I was finally able to wake up in a good mood, remain optimistic, manage my depression and anxiety in healthy ways, and stop self injury. I felt that I was finally getting better. This lasted for quite a while and got to the point where I was hardly ever in a bad mood, and when I was, I could get myself out of it. But then that stopped.
January this year, I was taken to hospital via ambulance after planning my suicide. Its as if all the pain and hurt had built up inside me and just exploded. I was feeling everything and nothing. I wanted out. I wouldn't be here today if my partner hadn't told my parents what I was feeling and they called me an ambulance. If I stayed silent, if he stayed silent, then I wouldn't be here right now.
When I got to the hospital I was placed in a blank room, no windows, no furniture beside a bed and a chair, no posters, no colour. A plain white room. There was one door that had to stay open the whole time so a doctor could see me at all times. even though the door was open, this was a highly triggering and claustrophobia place. I was trapped.
I was in this room for hours, visited by several doctors. Then a 'psychologist' visited me, told me to stop looking for attention, that I was 'just throwing a tantrum', and sent me home. This made me so much worse. I thought I wanted to die before I went to hospital, well, now I deffinetly did. But all medications, sharps, etc, where removed from my view and reach. I had no choice but to stay alive.
My parents, a close friend and my boyfriend helped and supported me in this time. But still, I was so low. I didn't know how to recover.
People often talk about hitting rock bottom, no one talks about what happens next. I felt guilty for putting stress on those who care about me, I felt anxious that I would never get better and was doomed to a life of feeling better and then relapsing in a cycle, I didn't want to die anymore but still thought it would be the easiest option, I was ashamed for 'chickening out' and not just ending it, I was scared to let myself feel happy or smile because I had just been in hospital for suicidal ideation, I felt angry that I couldn't just be okay, I felt happy that I didn't go through with it and that I spoke up, and I felt conflicted because I wanted to get better but didn't think I deserved it. I didn't know not killing myself would be so complicated.
I seen my therapist 2 days after the hospital. She told me that it was okay to feel happy, and okay to feel sad. I was validated in my conflicting emotions. I had just endured something emotionally and mentally draining. Its normal that after that I would be a mess. And I was okay to be a mess. I had to let myself 'feel my feelings' and not judge them. Notice the emotion and sit with it for a moment. If I was sad then that's okay, but if I was happy that was just as valid.
What I leant from this is that recovery isn't linear. You won't just magically get better. But that is okay. Sometimes you will go backwards and feel your lowest, but the next day you can smile because hey, you survived. Despite my negative experience at the hospital, it did help me. It bought me time. Those hours spent in that room, where hours I was still alive. Looking at it like that makes me feel better because I know if I get that bad again I can go to the hospital, be safe there, and when they send me home, at least I had tried to get help and given myself time to sit with my feelings in a safe environment.
If you are currently feeling this way of experiencing a relapse, please get help. Yes hospitals suck, and they can make you feel worse, but at least they are safer than being alone in times like this. Safety is number one in these situations. Suicide isn't a choice, and something a therapist once told me is, 'I am not going to sit here and tell you not to kill yourself because that is pointless, instead I will give you the tools and knowledge to help yourself before it gets to that point'. Things like that play over and over in my mind. They are some of the things that have saved me.
Something that I think everyone should have in place is a safety plan. Cheesy I know but it works.
1. grab paper a pen and your phone
2. write down steps in this order (immediate regulation strategies, if not helpful, if planning severe or life threatening harm) write 3 thing you can do, starting with simple things like listening to music and ending in helplines and emergency numbers.
3. Fill in the blanks, remember to add the national emergency number (Aus is 000).
4. keep it somewhere safe
5. refer back to it when you need and keep it updated.
Here is my old plan (very outdated so using as a sample)
High risk times:
night time
when home alone
Immediate regualtion stratergies:
-listen to Taylor swift loudly and on repeat
-use 'self help' box
-fidget items to slow anxiety
-meditation
-bullet journal
If not helpful:
-talk to mum and seek physical comfort (hugs)
-talk to other family members (or friends, I just didn't have any when this plan was made)
-call kidshelpline 1800 55 1800 (Australia)
At high risk of serious or live threatening harm:
-mental health access line 1800 011 511 (Australia)
-ask to be driven to emergency
-call an ambulance 000 (Australia)
Having this plan in place, even when things are going well and you think you are in a better headspace, can insure that you are safe when things take a turn for the worst. Plans like thins can prevent relapse or at least stop it before its too late.
I know that this was a very difficult topic, but its something that needs to be spoken about. Suicide is a killer, depression is a killer, mental illness is a killer.
Stay safe.
Jen xx
p.s. I am much better now :)
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