The dark side of OCD

When it comes to OCD most people focus on the compulsions. And while that is a big part of the disorder, it's more than just the hand washing, labelling, organising and checking. For me, the worst part by far is the obsessive thoughts.

They start as an intrusive thought. Pops into your head, unwanted, and leaves you feeling uneasy. This is were someone without OCD can notice this thought as strange and unrealistic and move on with their day. However, for people with OCD, a spiral like thought pattern begins.

I'll show you an example with one of my own OCD obsessions.

Let's imagine you're making dinner and 'how much bacteria is on my hands right now'..... okay that was strange, I'll go wash my hands. 'What if you didn't wash it all off'..... well there wasn't anything there to begin with, so I'm sure it fine.... 'it's not fine you're going to die'.... I'm not going to die don't be stupid... 'STUPID?! WE ARE GOING TO DIE'....but we just washed our hands.... 'yeah after you touched the food, we can't eat that now or we die'..... but... 'wash your hands again'... but we.... 'wash them again or we die'... okay I will, is that better?... 'now throw the food out and start again'... but I'm hungry and it's fine... 'it's not fine, throw it out'... but... 'do you want to die?!?!'.... no... 'THROW IT OUT'... okay... 'now wash your hands again'... but... 'AGAIN OR YOU DIE'... okay...

What the people around this person have seen is that person washed their hands 3 times in a row, and throw out their food. What they don't see is the spiral of thoughts. Now imagine you hear that spiral everytime you make food. And you wash your hands so much they crack and bleed. And it takes you so much time to make a basic meal and so much goes to waste. And all anyone sees are your flakey hands. And some people even have the nerve to say things like 'oh I'm sooooo OCD because I washed my hands earlier'.

Thing is, the obsessions get darker. Suddenly you can't walk over bridges without the spiral telling you to jump. Or you can't light candles without the spiral convincing you that you have started a house fire. Or maybe you can't do laundry without the spiral telling you to drink the washing liquid.

See OCD is the worst mental illness I've ever had to deal with. It takes over your life starting with the things you love most. And people can physically watch you do the compulsive behaviour. Makes you feel like you'regoing crazy, for lack of a better word.

I'm doing much better with the compulsions now. But that doesn't mean the obsessive spirals are gone. Infact, some days they are crippling. But it's kinda like turning the radio down so you can focus. It's on always in the background. But if it stays in the background, that's better than full volume.

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That's all for today, just wanted to explain what it's like living with OCD, and break down some stigmas and misinformation.

Thank you for reading :)

-Jen x