OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is a highly misunderstood diagnosis and carries a lot of stigma. There are two parts to OCD, the obsessions and compulsions.
Obsessions- Intrusive thoughts that won't go away. These thoughts are often disturbing to the individual and can create new fears.
Compulsions- These are actions that someone does in hopes to appease their thoughts. Compulsions feel necessary and involuntary. There are often rules and consequences attached to these actions.
Here is an example:
The fridge is open. (Obsession thought)
Okay I'll go check and make sure it's definitely closed. (Compulsion action)
No I still think it's open. (Obsession thought)
I'll check a second time. (Compulsion action)
What if I opened it? (Obsession thought)
Checking a third time. (Compulsion action)
If the fridge is open our food will go bad and I won't have anything to eat and I can't afford to replace it all so I'll die. (Obsession thought)
Okay I'll check again... (compulsion action)
Each person's experience with OCD will have different compulsions and different thought patterns. Some fear harming themselves or others unless they complete their compulsions.
Here is my personal experience with OCD. I'm not a professional. This is just what I've lived though and continue to experience.
I went to a therapy session months ago. Just a regular routine session. And I brought up what I thought was a new trauma response. I was having constant thoughts about appliances being left on, doors being open, candles burning, etc. And I couldn't get past the thoughts. I'd have them before I left the house and started being late to things because I felt like I had to check everything repeatedly. I'd check the oven, fridge, freezer, dryer, electric candles, flame candles, bedroom doors, front door. All about 3-7times each.
I decided to tell my therapist because I was sick of feeling like I had to do all of that everytime I left the house. And when I'dget home I'd wash my hands 3 times. I said to her that I think its just my anxiety and it's probably nothing. And that I don't think it's OCD or anything like that because I'm a messy cluttered person. She laughed kindly and said that what I'd just described is exactly what OCD is, and we can manage it.
I was honestly so relieved that I had an answer. But I was scared as to what that meant. I'd been slowly and quietly struggling with this for about 2 years. I just didn't see it as a big problem until people in my life would see the compulsions and ask what I was doing.
I've been doing exposure therapy to help combat the OCD. It's scary and I keep believing I'm going to die. But I think its helping. I have good and bad days now.
A good day I do the compulsions 1-3 times each. A bad day I do the compulsions 4-10 times each.
My obsessions come with dark thoughts. If I don't check the oven my house will catch fire and my cat will die. If I don't wash my hands I'll get a disease and die. If I don't check the door is lock someone will break in and kill me when I sleep. Etc.
Its getting a little easier. But very slowly. I feel like from the outside i still look like I'm really bad. But I know mentally that it's getting better.
My therapist told me a way to get the obsessions to slow down. It's just changing the wording of the thought. I'll show you an example:
"The oven is on"
"I'm having the thought that the oven is on"
"I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that the oven is on"
"My house will burn down"
"I'm having the thought that my house will burn down"
"I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that my house will burn down"
This method basically slows down the thinking before you do a compulsion. And if I've already left the house and can't just go back to check the oven for the 7th time, it helps give me time to reason with myself and get though the thought, without needing to do the compulsions.
OCD is still very new to me. And I remember life before OCD. This gives me hope that I won't be like this forever. It's just going to be a lot of hard work.
I'm going to leave this post here. Thank you so much for reading and if you or someone close to you is experiencing anything like this, please seek professional help.
Jen xx
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