The following is a poem I wrote about my mental illness and feeling like I have to pretend to be okay for the sake of others. This can be triggering for some so continue with caution. Thanks for reading and all the support xx
Today I'll put on my mask.
To shield myself from the things they ask.
It's a thick, unbreakable veil to hide behind.
To stop them from tasting what's in my mind.
Minds can be a beautiful place.
Some people wear their thoughts on their face.
Thoughts of loved ones, special occasions and even an escape.
Proud to be positive and stand tall enough to skyscrape.
Skyscaper optimism can be genuine and real.
My mask is there so they can't really tell what I feel.
But for me that can't be further from truth.
I'll look happy and seem full of youth.
Youthful glow radiates from my mask.
Yet everyday gets harder, even the smallest task.
Below my shield, tears stream to fill a river.
Scared so deep even my bones shiver.
Shivering and dreading the day it breaks.
The playful paint begins to flake.
What will they say when my mask decays?
Nothing to hold back the pain, now it ricochets.
Ricochet my anxiety as if it's contagious.
As if me being unwell is something so outrageous.
"Don't hang around her, you'll catch her crazy"
I'm sorry that my feelings are getting hazy.
Hazy thoughts about the world without me.
You think about a world with me and like what you see.
You've seen the real, unflattering emotions.
I wish I could drink a 'fix me' potion.
So I'll pick up the pieces of my mask again.
I'll start fake smiling, just say when...
Glue them back together so you'll forget.
Pretend I'm better now, 'I just changed my mindset'.
Mind-set still on disappearing.
You'd be happier if you drowned out my screaming.
Love me more when I'm faking and hiding.
You don't want to acknowledge I'm close to dying.
Dying scares you, I see that now.
I'd ask you for help but I don't know how.
For me dying is a way out.
But I'll stay here, wearing my mask til my tears are dried out.
Like my mask I'm cracked and broken.
Yet I keep my heart wide open.
Part of me wants someone to ask.
Who I am without my mask...
Jen xx
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