Creative writing piece.
Chronic suicidal ideation. Longing to cease existing. An escape plan. A means to an end.
The reasons change as you do. You use to want to die as a way to end the pain. To stop the abuse. To run away from the cruelty you had been dealt.
Then you wanted to die because it was comfortable. You found solace in the end. It was calm. Peaceful. You clung to the sweet idea of sleeping forever. No more anything.
After that you wanted to die because you were angry. Filled with rage and regret that you hadn't just done it yet. Just do it already. If you want to die so bad why are you so shit at acting on it. Useless.
Now you want to die because that's all you know. It's nostalgic in a sick way. Remember the first time you really planned it out. You were 12. In your high school toilet block behind the canteen. You want to give yourself what you've always wanted.
You want to die because you stress people out. Kinda like ripping a band-aid off. People worry so much about if you are okay. They have done for years. You can make that stop. They can't worry if you'll do it, if you already have.
So why haven't you done it? You promised you'd be dead before you turned 17. Now you are nearly 24. It doesn't feel real. You don't feel real. What if I did die? What if I'm already dead?
Jen xx
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