Trigger Warning: This post mentions sexual assault, nudity, sex, bullying, suicide, depression, alternate personalities, dissociation, and other mental health topics.
Please continue with caution.
THIS POST IS WRITTEN BY MIA AND EDITED BY JEN
This is my story and if you don't like what I'm saying then please leave the blog immediately and go about your day as if nothing happened. This is a safe place and I have a right to be here.
My name is Mia. I am 19 and part of a DID system. I developed while Jen (Our host and body) was in an abusive relationship. It was my role to take the bad stuff and act like it was okay. And until recently, I actually tricked myself into thinking that it was okay.
Alters begin to develop during childhood, but once they start to develop they don't ever stop, really. I wasn't formed early on. I was one of the later ones. I understand why I was created and it makes me sick. Jen was in a relationship where she would get triggered (on purpose) by her partner (at the time) so that she would be unable to give consent. This meant that un-consental sex was taking place while she was dissociated and unable to fight back. That is when I would take over, act like I was happy, say I was enjoying it, and beat myself up about it afterwards. I thought that sex was meant to feel like a chore. I was meant to just deal with it. Not complain. That would make us happy. We would be wanted and loved. We just got hurt. I feel that we cant go to the police or anything because I never said no,Jen never said no, but we didn't say yes either. I acted like I was okay so how would anyone believe me. There where no witnesses. Just the two of us. My word against his and that makes me feel powerless. But not anymore. I have a voice and I can stand up for myself.
When that toxic relationship ended, (It lasted 8 months), my purpose was done. I knew that I had made everyone think we where okay and that meant I did a good job. But then came the worst part. He had manipulated all of our friends, all of the people Jen thought she could trust, we had no one. Jen received messages (and still does 3 years later), telling her to kill herself, that she was lying about her mental state, that she was a slut, that she was a cheat, a liar, a bitch, crazy, the girl version of split, if people ever seen her again she wouldn't survive, and that if she didn't kill herself then there would be people who would do it instead. She still gets these messages. When they started rolling in her phone would go off constantly. Always someone saying something. She couldn't go to school again, it was too dangerous.
I took over a lot more. I needed to fixthis. Make people want us. And the only way I knew would make people want us was sex. I worked in the last relationship. Well I seen that as working. If I wanted friends, people to trust, people to feel safe around, then I had to give them what they wanted and that was sex. To get peoples attention and make them want to talk to us I began sending nudes to whoever wanted them, getting in multiple relationships at a time, talking line to random people about sexual topics, and trying to be 'loved' by anyone who wanted me. We needed someone. I had to get people to pay attention.
This made the messages worse as people would find out what I was doing and we got called a whore, slut, attention seeker, fake, gay (as a slur), sex addict, and hoe. I just wanted to be wanted. I spoke to people in the only way I knew how to. It worked for a bit. We where getting messages all the time for more photos, or more sex talk, or anything like that. People wanted to talk to us and I got their attention. I thought was okay, I did a god job. But now this was out of hand.
Jen got overwhelmed. Social media became too much as the notification from strangers kept rolling in. We were only 16. The body was 16. It was my fault that I got us into that mess but I was trying to help in the only way that I knew worked. This caused Jen to get to her lowest point. We all know that she just wanted to disappear. We thought maybe all those mean messages where actually right. Maybe we where a slut. That we should die. That we where crazy. So I stopped coming out again.
Jen started a new school. I came out and tried to help us again but didn't wanting to end up the same so once we had settled in I stepped back again. Then she got a boyfriend. I dint want him to leave, he seemed to care about us. After they first got together I send him photos that he never asked for. He respected Jen too much, deleted them and at the time I was pissed at him because I thought that was how you could tell that someone wanted you, and that they cared. They have to just want the body and sex right? I was angry and confused for a very very long time. Why didn't he just want those things? Why did he care how we felt? It was new and I was scared. This hadn't happened before.
They are still together now, nearly 2 years later and I can now be comfortable to talk to hi and be around him without stress or worry that he will use us. He is the first relationship that has actually gone well and we all love him for what he has done for Jen.
Now that my whole purpose, to protect and deal with sexual assault and harassment is done, and I don't need to try to make friends, I can see that what we went through was disgusting. I shouldn't have had to think that the only way for people to care was if you show your boobs. I shouldn't have had to act like I was happy when I wanted to scream 'stop'. We were not safe from that. But now we are. And thanks to Jens boyfriend, I know how we should be treated. WE DESERVE RESPECT AND SAFETY.
Even though I never said yes, I never said no either. Its too hard to go to the police but at least none of that will happen again. We still get the mean messages to this day, and I feel guilty every time it happens because if I walked away from the relationship and didn't 'hoe around' then we wouldn't be getting them. I feel dirty, gross, and guilty. Because I didn't know better. I know I cant change what I did and thought I was helping but it eats me up to think about it.
I was stupid but also abused. I need to learn to forgive myself and move on from my mistakes. I am stronger now than I ever was and we will not be treated like that again.
This isn't my body. This isn't my life. I need to do the best that I can to help Jen.
Now that I have told my story I can now say #metoo because sexual assault is never okay. I am brave and I am safe now.
Thank you for reading my story. Im sorry if it upset you but I wanted to get it all out. I needed the closure. (This will be getting sent to our therapist)
My name is Mia. This is my story.
Mia <3
Definitions:
Sexual Harassment behaviour characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.
Sexual Assault ‘Sexual assault’ covers a wide range of unwanted sexual behaviours that are often used by offenders as a way to assert power and control over their victims. Unwanted sexual activity in any relationship is assault.
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