Dissociate Identity Disorder is a complex trauma condition. I am not a professional in this illness or any mental health issues, however, I have been diagnosed with this disorder and want to share some of my experiences with you in hopes of starting a conversation and breaking stigmas. This post is more of a recap of my personal experiences and shouldn't be taken as if it is something all systems go through or something educational. Without further a due, this is my experience with alters becoming less active.
Recently my situation had changed drastically. I am finally safe and away from all past abusers. This has sparked a few changes that I am still adapting to.
My switches use to be quite regular. Alters would switch daily or every few days. At most I had spent 2 weeks without a switch. It has now been over a month, nearly 2 months, with no switches whatsoever. This is very strange to say the least.
When you have lived your whole life having these voices, feelings, thoughts, symptoms. When it just stops, it feels lonely, distant, and very very odd. I had these people and their thoughts and opinions constantly playing over and over. And then they would come out, i would return and things would be moved, eaten, lost, used, without memory or trace. And now its just me. All the time. But they aren't gone.
I spoke to my therapist about the absence of the alters and she said a few things to me. 1. They might be exhausted for fighting so long and need a break.
2. Due to my change in situation and new found safety, they feel their jobs are done for now.
3. I am beginning to share memories and feelings with them and therefore they are still there but I'm not feeling it so much.
4. They are giving me space now that it is safe to do so.
She also said that they are not just gone, they didn't abandon me, they where and are definitely there, and I definitely am not 'crazy' or making it up. The alters will come back and be more active when needed. This is a coping mechanism after all, and if i have no current trauma to cope with, then it makes sense that they might be less active.
I wanted to do a post about this because it isn't something I see talked about often. And when they went quiet, I was terrified. I was alone in my head for the first time and I didn't know what to do. So if you are reading this thinking that a similar thing is happening or has happened to you, then I want you to know that you are not alone. This disorder is complex and differs from case to case.
I suggest talking about the quietness with your therapist because it can feel lonely. Alters can not die or just leave forever. That's not how this works.
I hope that this post made sense of a confusing topic and that it was interesting to hear about one of my experiences with DID. Thank you so much for supporting my page and following my Instagram @/diaryofasurvivor_blog.
If you would like more information about DID or my experiences with this condition please check out the following links:
I hope you are all having an amazing day/night. Keep smiling and keep surviving :)
Jen xx
