So, I have been doing this blog for almost a year now and have over 40 posts! I wanted to reflect on how my mental health has improved since going on this journey and opening up about my difficulties. I will be discussing topics around depression, anxiety, weight, self harm, suicidal ideation, panic attacks and other mental health related topics. Please look after yourself and stop reading the post if at any point it becomes triggering r may become triggering. I am writing from my own experiences in hopes to make others feel less alone and break stigmas around mental illness. I am not a professional!
This story will have a happy ending so don't worry :)
Background information
This section will be about my past and may be triggering for some readers. Feel free to skip ahead :)
So, as long as I can remember I have been in therapy. It started out as anxiety, then depression, then the list continued to change and grow. This first time I can remember it getting bad was when I had just been diagnosed with depression and I felt like it was a death sentence. I was 12-13. I then began to live the next few years feeling nothing at all. I was numb and empty. My anxiety began to get worse and I wouldn't even go to school, go to the shops, or even leave my room. I was still recovering from an eating disorder that was a result of trauma and weighed hardly anything. This was my first low point. Staying home due to anxiety, having panic attacks over tiny things, feeling numb to everything, and being too thin to survive.
Flash forward to when I was about 15-16. Another major low point. Still twig-thin, more depressed than ever, and now beginning to develop a self harm addiction to stop the 'numb' feeling. Anxiety reached an all time low with me feeling self conscious about my appearance, personality, and even my own existence. I didn't feel worthy or deserving of being alive. I would hurt myself everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. I didn't want to be here anymore. This is also around the time when I began to figure out that I have DID which was scary to say the least. There where many times when I wanted to give up. But, I'm so glad that I didn't.
Now, 18 years old. And the happiest I have ever been. Let's talk about what changed.
When I was 16 a lot of issues surfaced at school and that just added to everything I was going through. So, it was time to change schools. This meant starting new and having to be alone again in a big school with no one to talk to. I was terrified. I started at my new school on February 13th 2018. That was the day that everything began to improve. Within about 3 weeks I had settled in well and made a small group of friends. I began to excel in classes and was proud of myself for handling the move so well. It was obvious that this was the right thing to do.
About a month or so of being in the school I got a boyfriend, and I am still with him now, making it my longest relationship! My grades shot up and I went from getting Ds and Es to getting Bs. I made more friends and actually looked forward to going to school. I constantly pushed myself out of my comfort zone and spoke to people that I never thought I could. I stopped self harming, began eating normally and nearly completely overcame my anxiety. All without being aware at how much better I was doing.
Now I want to break down how I think some of my disorders have improved so that I can reflect on the difference from 2013-2019!
Generalised Anxiety
Past- Couldn't leave the house, scared of EVERYTHING, panic attacks almost daily.
Present- Can go out with friends and on my own, haven't had a panic attack in about a year, only scared and anxious in 'normal' situations (before tests, interviews, trying something new, etc).
Social Anxiety
Past- Scared to go in a classroom, scared to leave my room, refused to go to school, had a high absent ratio, couldn't talk on the phone, no chance of me getting any sort of job.
Present- Has graduated school, done several speeches, feel like I'm going crazy if I don't get out the house, have a nice group of friends, can go out and have fun.
Depression
Past- Wouldn't get out of bed, was suicidal, had a self harm addiction, felt 'numb' for years, would cry everyday without fail.
Present- still has bad days now and then, no longer self harms at all, the happiest I have ever been.
Eating Disorders
Past- Weighed 40kg at 15 years old.
Present- Weighs 66kg at 18 years old!!!!
Those are the disorders that I have improved in majorly and I will continue to improve every single day.
I wanted to break it down and talk about this because I feel that it is important to reflect on the improvements that you have made rather than focus on how far you have yet to go. This can make you feel so much better about yourself and the small steps you take in recovery.
Here are some small steps that I have taken to recover and heal. (Some of my proudest moments, no matter how small).
1. I have graduated high school which I never thought could happen!!!
2. I am able to go out with friends and have fun doing what I want to do without fear.
3. I have done several speeches in another language?!?!?!?!
4. I have put on the weight that I needed to in order to be healthy.
5. I can be confident in how I act and how I look.
6. I overcame a self harm addiction.
7. I got past my lowest points and can smile everyday.
8. I made a blog to help others like me feel better about themselves and less alone.
9. My confidence has grown so much.
10. My attendance at school got uptown about 80% from about 20%!!!!!
While some of these things are small and may seem unimportant, I did them and I am so proud of myself for improving so much in such a short time. Yes, I still struggle, and some days are worse than others but at least I am still around to experience those days. I didn't think I would be here, 2019, telling my story to others just like me. I am so grateful for everyday that I get to smile because I have survived.
Okay, well that brings this post to a close. I hope that I have been an inspiration to some of you and helped you see that things can and will get better. You can get through whatever it is that you are going through and I hope this reminded you of that.
If you would like me to do posts about what strategies and methods I used in order to have improved so much then let me know and I can suggest ways to make each day a little better. I already have a few posts like this and will have them linked bellow.
Thank you so much for supporting me in making this blog and helping me reach so many people. We have hit 1,350 followers on instagram and that is all thank to you guys! Seeing that I am reaching so many people makes me so happy because I feel like I am giving back to the mental health community that has done so much for me.
Keep Smiling,
Jen xx
(#psychoshoutouts was cancelled this week due to me being to busy and not having a chance to post them but they will be back next Tuesday as usual)
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