Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is something that I was officially diagnosed with around February 2019. It is the disorder that focus on the most o this blog, because it is the most stigmatised mental illness. Is it real? Is it rare? Are they just crazy? Is it dangerous? Can it be faked? Do doctors even believe it? How is it possible?
I want you to think about something. About 3% of the population have been diagnosed with DID. Thats approximately 234,000,000 people. So, a lot. DID is developed when a child experiences trauma before age 10. Typically between ages 7 and 9. Everyone who has DID has had this trauma as a child. 234 million people where traumatised between ages 0-10 and now have been diagnosed with DID and have the struggles of the disorder, as well as the stigma! And yes you need childhood trauma to have DID but this figure doesn't cover those not diagnosed yet, those still unaware of their disorder, those currently going through trauma, and those who have gone through childhood trauma without developing DID. So just imagine how many people out there have had the worst childhood that you can't even begin to imagine! You never know someones past. What they have seen. What they have experienced. And yet so many people are quick to judge, bully, threaten, abuse, and manipulate others. Thats why I do this blog. I want to have a voice for those who can't use their own. Those 234,000,000+ other people.
Having DID isn't a game by any means, but its not torture either. Its just life and you gotta deal with it. If given the chance to just get rid of my DID, I wouldn't do it. Its made me who I am and I couldn't live without my alters by my side. I wish it was easier, that there wasn't any stigma, and that I didn't work myself up over everything so much but at the end of the day, it has shaped me. I am the most unique and authentic person that I know. No one out there is the same as me. They haven't lived my life, experienced my past, lived with my alters, liked what I like, had the passion that I have, and I love that.
Despite having 10 identities, I am still me. I like playing video games, but also doing make up. I love sushi but hate seafood so I stick to chicken. I have always wanted to go to Japan but I have full blown panic attacks before, during, and after flights. I want to be covered in tattoos (neck to toe), but still wanna look cute in a pretty dress. I get along with guys more, but actually prefer to date girls. In saying that, I have a boyfriend so figure that one out haha. I want a career in the beauty industry, yet I hate societies views on what beauty is. Im a mental health activist with 1,500+ followers...but I have social anxiety. I love Taylor Swift, but also scream the lyrics to MCR songs. I dye my hair crazy colours and love the attention I get from it, but once again I have social anxiety (im starting to think im crazy). I have been hurt by many people, yet don't hold it against them or despise them because I just couldn't live with myself if I judged someone for the choices they have made (even if it was to hurt me), because I don't know what's going on in their mind and I don't know what they are going through. I am a proud Pansexual woman, but don't mind what you label me as. I am lactose intolerant but eat chocolate every single day. I am the happiest that I have ever been, but ended up in a mental hospital one night last month. I am highly spiritual and religious, but don't believe in god (Im Wiccan and follow a nature path). And I am Me, and I have DID.
Ill never apologise for being myself because when you have DID, your identity becomes so much more important to you. You need to prove to yourself every single day that you are who you think you are and its hard. You could look in the mirror and just see right through yourself, or see someone else entirely. And its scary. Im going to be myself regardless of the consequences because for most of my life, I was all I had.
I just wanted to get my feelings out with this post. I don't care if you don't like me, if the way you see me is different or anything like that because I am being honest to myself and that's it.
Thank you for reading (if you did), and thank you for being a part of my life because its a pretty unique life to be a part of haha.
Keep smiling and being who you are. I love you guys.
Jen xx
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