TW: Self Harm, Cutting, Bullying, Suicidal ideation, and Mental illness
Addiction comes in many forms. Addiction can be defined as the condition of becoming dependant on a substance or activity. People can be addicted to many things including (but not limited to), drugs, alcohol, sex, caffeine, smoking, gambling, and even shopping. My addiction problem is with self harm.
I began self harming when I was going through some bullying issues in school. I was about 14/15 at the time. At this point I would harm myself because I thought that it was what I deserved and all I was worth. I would have thoughts like 'what if they are right', 'I'm such a bad person', 'I will never be good enough', and these thoughts became all consuming. I was only harming once a fortnight, if that. I hadn't told anyone at this stage either because I didn't want to be seen as 'attention seeking' and I only harmed where clothes would cover.
It wasn't hard for me to go days, weeks or months without cutting at this point but that would soon change drastically. Flash forward about a year when my relationship at the time ended and I had to move schools once the bullying reached a new level. I had been clean about 6months. My depression began to get to its worst point ever and I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't sad or upset or even angry. I was numb. And it was this numbness that pushed me to my limits.
What people don't tell you about depression is the empty feeling. You expect to be sad all the time when in reality you wish you where because at least then you would feel something. I started cutting again for this exact reason. I wanted to feel something.
It was gradual at first, every two days or so. But then it was everyday, every hour. It became all I thought about. And the scary thing is that I developed a tolerance quickly. It didn't hurt anymore. The craving for the pain was still there but 5 or 10 cuts wasn't doing it for me anymore. Before I knew it my body was covered. shoulders to thighs. Stomach and ribs. Chest and hips. If you couldn't see it with a shirt and shorts then it was red. Because of my placement, no one even knew. This lasted from November 2018 through to March 2019. That is a long time to be hurting that badly.
I got out of it with help from my therapist at the time and by learning alternatives to cutting. Things that would still hurt but be less dangerous. This way I got the pain sensation and dopamine release, while staying safe. My favourite techniques where using rocks like stress balls and touching a cactus. I would highly recommend these to those struggling with self harm because they still hurt but allow you to be safer.
I never wanted to die. I wasn't self harming for attention. I didn't want sympathy. All I wanted was for the numbness and emptiness to end. Pain is a strong feeling. Its can be very grounding. And I was unsafe.
I am so much better now and even when I do relapse it is no where near as bad and its only a one off. It wasn't easy to stop. I will never tell someone who is self harming to stop because I know its not that simple. Don't assume someone is okay because you cant see their pain. Not everyone with depression self harms, and those who do may not have scars in visible places. If someone does have scars don't stare at them, point them out, or ask them questions and definitely, do not by any means ask, 'are you okay?', because if they where they wouldn't be doing something like that.
Some people self harm for the feeling, some do it for the release, others for the control, some people do it as a cry for help, others do it for the dopamine, and sometimes they don't have a reason. Everyone is valid and everyone copes in different ways.
Instead of telling someone to stop harming you can:
-Find them an alternative
-Hang out with them more
-Compliment the little things about them
-Ask how you can help
-Tell them you understand that its hard
-Offer to take them to a professional
-Tell them you are a safe person and they can trust you
-Respect their privacy
-Help them smile more
-'I know that this helps you, but what about we do this'
-Keep their confidence if they talk to you
-Go with them to a doctor
-Tell a trusted adult who could help
-Remind them that they are important
-And just be a good friend
If you simply tell someone 'you should stop doing that' or 'You need to stop', you are just going to make them want to do it more. You need to understand that they are doing this to help them cope in a difficult time and all you can do is be there for them.
I will leave you with some others posts on this topic that may be helpful to you.
This was not an informative or educational post. This was my experience with self harm addiction and is highly personal. I share posts like this as a way for me to talk about my feelings, break stigmas around metal illness, and show people who may be dealing with these things that it can get better. I am not a professional.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope this helps you feel less alone in this.
Jen xx
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