This has been a post that I have put off making for a little while now because of how messy it is. There is no 'right' way for me to tell you my experiences and there is not a standard set for this sort of thing. I want to put out a warning that this post may be triggering for people suffering with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self harm, body image, self worth or any similar experiences.
If you feel that you are experiencing any depressive symptoms or negative thoughts during or after this post, please click here for a list of resources and helplines: https://diaryofapsychoblog.wixsite.com/home/index
*excuse my writing but if there are spelling mistakes I apologise as this was difficult to write*
So, where do I begin? When I was a child I was abused in many ways and by many people. This has left me with mental illnesses that I live with on a daily basis. One of which is depression.
Depression was the second diagnosis that I received when I was around 13 years old. I had already ben diagnosed with mixed anxiety and now I was adding another thing to my list. I didn't really know much about depression other than the fact that my mum had depression when my little brother was born and that my dad had it his whole life. Around the time of diagnosis I had 2 very traumatic things happen to me, one after the other. I can't remember if they where before or after the diagnosis as everything was kind of a blur to me. One of the things that happened was that my dad attempted to commit suicide for the first time (he has had 5-6 attempts at this point).
At this stage in my life that was the worst I had felt (depression wise) and I remember just feeling numb to everything around me. I never thought it could get worse, but it did. Flash forward a few years to when I got into my first serious relationship. My girlfriend at the time thought that being depressed was an edgy and cool thing so she began openly faking the mental disorder while full well being aware that I had it. This toxicity was short lived as her mum caught us kissing and called me the devil (they where highly religious) and our relationship ended not long after it started.
Not too long after that relationship had ended I was in my second serious relationship which lasted about 8-9months. The guy I was with was manipulative, aggressive, sexually pressuring, demanding and all around just a creep. While in this relationship I began self harming and limiting my food intake. I was anxious, depressed, and having a constant mental breakdown. No one knows the full story what happened with that relationship as I get worked up just thinking about it.
That relationship was ended by him cheating on me with my best friend. He then started rumours about me and they spread like wide fire. I was getting death threats from my whole grade and even people online who I had never met. I don't want to get into what was said as it still hurts me.
Needless to say this all effected me really badly. Not only was I having trouble in my relationships, getting threats, bullied out of the school and left completely alone but I had to deal with a less than ideal home situation and my dad having more attempts. The only way I could cope was through cutting and bruising myself. I was getting tossed between therapists who didn't want to help me or thought I was too far gone. I became addicted to self harm to the point of doing it 3+ times a day. As well as this I was getting myself into bad situations online by having relationships with multiple people who I had never met and where older than me. I didn't feel worthy of anything more. I don't want to talk about that anymore as it makes me feel ill to think about.
I began to experience suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and had no one to turn to. So I went to the internet. I began a 'self harm and depression' page on instagram and was talking to people in similar situations to myself. I thought it was helping but it was a toxic community that manipulates and triggers people with serious mental disorders. I wanted to end it all and these people online just agreed with me.
There where several points where I would be about to do it, to end it. But something would always get in the way. I couldn't find my pills, or people would get home, or I'd have a panic attack, or just anything to get in the way. After so long of feeling like crap I decided to talk to my therapist about what was going on. I deleted my instagram, kept pills out of my room, let myself cry, stopped self harming, and really started to recover. This is still where I am today. Recovery.
I have found that recovery isn't a straight line and you should be prepared that some days will be harder than others but it will all work out eventually. Take it from me, a depression survivor.
A few people have asked me before about how I told my therapist about my self harming and I told her by showing her. I just walked in, pulled up my shirt and burst out crying. She hugged me and told me that it would be okay. She was the best therapist that I have had because she helped me stay alive.
I think that I have survived my darkest times and even though I still struggle with depression and am on anti-depressants, I can now say that things will be okay. I will link some of my other posts about depression and self-harm for you to read as they will be more helpful than this one. I wanted to write this post just show that if you are struggling that it is okay and you will be okay. You are not alone and if you need someone to talk to I am always here.
This post was not meant to be helpful or informative but to act more as an example that you can get through your worst times. I have left some details out of this to protect myself and those reading this. I hope that you are getting the love and support that you need and deserve and thank you for being here.
I love you all so much.
Jen x
More depression posts:
Tips for School with Mental illness
Self Care ideas
Self Harm Alternatives
Comments