The following content can be triggering for some readers. I will be discussing how I found out about my DID and the impact it has had on my life, relationships and outlook on the world. If you don't believe in or accept this disorder please click away now as we do not need any negativity.
Mentions of suicidal thoughts, self harm, "Split", and threats.
I thought I was normal. I thought the voices where normal. I thought my hallucinations where normal. I thought the flashbacks and visions where normal. I thought amnesia was normal. I thought dizziness and nausea where normal. I thought everything was normal. This was until I realised it wasn't.
I was a regular teenager, hanging out with friends, going out to the shops, watching movies in the cinema and eating a lot of food. Everything I knew was about to be flipped on its head...
Sunday, February 19, 2017 (I was age 15). My friends and I went to watch the new horror movie "Split" and I was super excited. During the movie I noticed people (inc. my friends), getting scared by the different personalities being displayed on the screen and shocked at the many differences between each one. I thought this was the normal part of the movie before the horror. Once the movie was done I was really confused and conflicted. I didn't like or understand why they would make this poor mans character so scary and unnecessarily horrific and thought the display of violence was taking everything to extremes that didn't need to be shown as they where inaccurate.
And while I can't climb on walls and donteat people, I do have the different people and voices inside me. I asked my friends the opinion and they thought it was a crazy concept to have alters and voices that take over the body. I was unusually hurt by this. I thought the voices where normal.
On seeing my psychologist (at that point in time), I told her how confused the movie make me and how I thought I was fine until that point. She said I was possibly schizophrenic and that was the end of the conversation. Things got worse with her from that point onward and eventually she said that I can't possibly have DID because its rare and she believes it may not even exist. I was shattered. A switch to a protector occurred in front of her and my psychologist called me crazy.
I stopped getting treatment.
I thought that I was just going crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about my confusion. Maybe I was just exaggerating.
I went to another psychologist and she tried to turn me against my friends, family and others around me. Turns out she wasn't qualified. She was a 'life coach', not the therapist she claimed to be. I felt like giving up. I got into a serious relationship, only to later find out that I was being used as entertainment and purposely triggered to be used however my 'partner' wished. I was a joke to everyone.
I went to another couple therapists until I clicked with one in particular. The possibility of a set diagnosis was discussed but not finalised, I thought things would begin to improve. I called things off with my partner and fell into a phase of numbness. I relied death threats from all his friends and everyone in school thought I was a freak. I was laughed at and labeled 'The girl from Split'. I became suicidal, self harmed until I was addicted and had no one to help me. I became dependant on seeing my psychologist and was having regular mental breakdowns.
During therapy sessions we worked on figuring out who the alters where and how I see/hear them. I began to feel better, though it was slow and gradual. Family issues kept coming and I had to start at a new school. Then I got the news, my psychologist was leaving. I was distraught and couldn't handle the thought of being alone again and having no one to turn to. I couldn't go back to feeling the way I did. I needed her.
The transition to my new (and current) therapist was difficult but 100% worth it. After just 2 sessions I had the long awaited diagnosis and am still learning how to deal with its challenges. I am more self aware and understand that I did go through childhood trauma that had a serious impact on myself as an individual and multiple. I have 9 alters including myself and we are all so unique and important.
As for 'Split' and its showcase of the disorder; I have bittersweet emotions. I am thankful for the journey I was able to go on because of the realisation the film caused. However, I am disgusted at how my illness was depicted as something to fear and a violent condition. Without the movie I probably wouldn't be where I am now in my recovery, but I wish with all my heart that the movie was a different genre and showed the disorder how it truely is.
My relationships with others will never be the same again as I am fully aware of the negative stigma attached to the disorder and will always be afraid of judgement. My confidence is only now recovering after the threats I received and relationship issues encountered. My life is more transparent now as I can understand why I do certain things or hear voices in my head or just why I act different sometimes.
Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't as rare as we are lead to believe. It impacts between 1% and 3% of the world and is more common than schizophrenia and equally common as bulimia. DID can impact any gender but is more common in women. People with DID have gone through severe childhood trauma and as a result, experience fragmentation of identity. Switching between alters is an involuntary actions and can't be done on command. This condition is in the DSM5 and is a real disorder! All people who are experiencing DID will also have PTSD by default as this is a trauma based condition.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. This was the story of how I found out. I am diagnosed. I am valid.
Thank you
Jen x
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